Light Yagami's Adventures in Fandom Land
by Gen Duruk
Summary: The tale of one character and his quest to explore the strange world of fandom complete with painful puns .


Once upon a time Light Yagami woke up in fandom land. He was slightly confused but not at all frightened so he set out to explore the strange new world.

He began to walk down a dusty metaphorical road to adventure, leading away as far as you could imagine. The sun was hot overhead and soon Light Yagami became very thirsty.

Suddenly he saw a tree up ahead. The shade looked cool and pleasant so he stopped beneath it. But beneath the tree he saw a little table and a sign.

'Lemonade' the sign said and there was a pitcher next to it, sweating in the heat. It was full of liquid, with ice bobbing enticingly on the top. Curiously, when Light Yagami looked overhead he saw that the tree was a lemon tree.

Light was tempted to drink some lemonade but he was a clever boy and stayed suspicious. Upon closer inspection of the sign he discovered the price, hidden in a corner. It read '1 shag for 1 cup'.

Light Yagami then understood that this was not a lemonade stand but a lemon-aid stand. He picked one of the lemons from a branch of the tree only to discover that rather than fruit, it was comprised of naked bodies all twisted together.

A sound from behind made him turn back to the lemon-aid stand. Mello stood there, taking a refreshing sip of lemon-aid. Before Light could warn him, he had finished his cup with a sigh.

All at once the ground split open and hundreds of well-endowed women tugged the screaming victim down into their steamy nest, blasting 'Let's Get It On'. In a moment, all that remained of poor Mello was an empty cup and the fading echoes of his screams. Light shuddered, imagining if it had been a lime tree.

One must be careful, in fandom land, not to be sucked in to a lemon.

As the day progressed Light came across a river. The river was too deep and too swift to cross safely so Light began to look for a bridge. He soon came across one that look sturdy enough to cross.

But as Light Yagami walked across the bridge he noticed something strange. A low voice was mumbling from below him in broken English. When he was about halfway across the bridge a strange thing happened.

Too puppets dragged themselves from below the bridge out in front of him. They were grotesque and feeble imitations of humans, twisted so they were unrecognizable. Before his eyes, Light watched the puppets perform a strange show. The plot was bizarre and pointless. Mistakes were frequent and painful.

"Boo!" Called a voice from behind Light.

Near was standing behind him, shaking a fist and railing against the atrocious puppets. He screamed and tore his hair is utter disgust until finally he tired himself and sat down panting. He reached down to the stream below to cool himself.

Like a flash of lightening a hand whipped out and dragged him under the bridge. Light Yagami could hear the snapping of his bones as the creature below devoured its victim.

It is foolish, in fandom land, to be deceived by a troll

It was getting late and Light Yagami was very tired so he decided to find a place to sleep for the night. He had walked a long time without seeing any kind of shelter when suddenly he came upon an abandoned house. Light was so grateful to have a roof over his head, he didn't care if the place was kind of spooky.

The inside of the house was fully furnished and so Light chose a room with a large canopy bed on the top floor to sleep in. Almost immediately he fell into a deep sleep.

Light was woken at exactly midnight by a crash from the floor below. He hurried out of bed at once, very frightened, and went to investigate.

To his amazement the entrance hall of the abandoned house was packed with people. Yet they were not people, because they hovered above the ground and were not entirely opaque. Light Yagami found that he recognized many of them.

His own little sister stood at the front, only she was clad in a leather cat suit and seemed to be polishing a set of throwing daggers. A cigarette dangled from her lips.

Misa was drifting morosely about behind her. She was murmuring what sounded like a poem only she spoke in Russian.

Watari cackled above them, tottering about and chuckling to himself. His usually stiff and polite manner was gone as his thin face lit up in a jolly smile.

Light was bewildered.

He wondered what he should do or if he was in any danger. He thought about fleeing but stayed curiously for another moment.

"Alas!" Misa lamented in English. "I long for my former body!"

"Shut up." Sayu grunted. "Once you go out of character you can never return."

"Now, now my dears." Watari soothed them. "No sense fighting. We're all out of character now anyways."

Light bolted for the door.

When someone is out of character, in fandom land, it can be very scary.

Light Yagami had been walking for some time the next morning when he heard the sound. It was a distant rumble, the noise of thousands of feet all pounding on the earth. His hair rose and he froze, feeling the vibrations of the approaching group.

Suddenly they rounded the corner. It was an OC stampede! Light threw himself off of the road in a panic; just in time or he surely would have been trampled. He scrambled through the undergrowth until the horrible noise of the Original Characters had died away.

Light looked around and realized he was in a little woodland clearing. A pond lay in the middle, completely smooth on the clear day. Light walked thankfully over to take a drink.

As he bent over the pond he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the clear water. He admired it for a moment and was about to touch his hand to the water when it moved.

It moved when he had not.

The reflected Light was smiling up at him contentedly. In one of his hand he was holding a paintbrush. The reflected Light worked for a moment of his painting then moved away to a piano, which had floated up from the depths, and began to play.

The real Light was alarmed because he had never played the piano in his life.

Suddenly another familiar face appeared in the water.

L was there and he was laughing and talking with reflected Light. They walked together through parks Light had never seen and visited a restaurant Light had never been to.

Suddenly the real Light experienced a longing to touch the water. To float down into that magical happy world where reflected Light seemed so content. He had almost made up his mind to jump in when he thought twice.

A leaf floated down and disturbed the clear surface and as the ripples passed over reflected Light's face a hungry, ugly expression passed across it.

Real Light jumped back in horror. When he stood he could suddenly see down into the depths of the pond. He recoiled. Bodies were piled in the depths of the pond, faces rotting and contorted. Drowned corpses swirled about in the still water.

Light left the clearing shaken and found the road was clear. He continued to walk.

An AU may look enticing, in fandom land, but they are always distorted and one should stick to the path.

It was late afternoon and Light Yagami was still walking along the road. The sun blazed hot in the sky and so Light started when a shadow passed over him.

Up in the sky was an enormous bird. It seemed to grow larger as Light looked up at it but then he realized that the bird was actually just getting closer and closer to him. Light hurried along, not eager to be seen by the great bird.

It was too late; the bird had spotted him and was swooping down towards him in a long dive. Light broke into a run but he knew it was futile.

Seconds later the bird's talons had closed around him and he was born up into the sky.

"Aww, isn't he cute." The bird crowed. "This is gonna be so sweet and romantic!"

Light Yagami was very frightened by that point. The bird held him securely but the ground seemed so far below. His head spun.

The bird swerved and began to descend towards a gargantuan nest. When the bird was directly over the nest, it opened its claws and let Light fall.

He screamed but when his body hit the nest he found it was soft and flexible. Panting he bounced for a moment in the cottony material. It was incredibly comfortable, squishy bits of fluff all woven together.

An entire nest of fluff stretched out around Light. Families were tearfully reuniting. Orphans were finally finding a place to call home. Lovers were pledging themselves to be eternally together. All was happy.

Light was terrified.

"Are you new?" Asked Beyond Birthday who stood behind him playing with a puppy and buying a small child an ice cream.

Light nodded.

"The fluff nest seems to be getting quite full these days." BB shrugged.

Light looked around for an exit, eager to leave and continue his journey. He saw no other option than to climb down so he made his way to the edge of the nest, flung his legs over, and began to carefully make his way towards the ground.

But the fluff was slippery and gave beneath his feet often. He nearly fell at least 10 times and when he reached the branch of the tree the huge nest was built on he was exhausted.

Light sat to rest for a moment on the branch but just as he was catching his breath he heard the fluff bird squeeing again. In his haste to flee his foot slipped off of the branch and soon he was hurtling down towards the ground.

But he did not hit the ground, he continued deeper. The ground seemed to swallow him up and he plummeted into the darkness. He came down hard on something soft with a crack and a shriek. The shriek came from the figure he had landed on.

Light apologized to the prostate Matsuda who moaned in response. Then Light took in his surroundings. It was black as pitch but as his eyes adjusted Light could make out figures.

The faces looked pale and unhappy. Some were covered in blood. Lust burned in desperate eyes but no affection could be found. The sounds of a fight echoed from one corner of the cave. Light could hear broken sobbing from behind him.

Disturbed and upset, Light boosted himself from the cave by crawling onto the shoulders of a distraught Aizowa.

It felt good to be in the sunlight again, with the road in sight. Light Yagami continued onwards.

When there's too much fluff or it gets too dark, in fandom land, remember that the middle ground is always infinitely better.

Light was becoming weary of his journey in fandom land, but he continued to walk down the long road nonetheless.

Up ahead he could see a little village. It was a welcome sight to a tired traveler and he hurried onwards. Yet when he came closer to the little town he could tell that something was wrong.

A great fissure in the earth stretched across the center of the village. The yawning maw seemed to appear from nowhere. Light Yagami peered cautiously into it.

It was a bizarre sight. Raye Penber appeared to have formed a disco band below and a crowd of people had gathered to dance. Roger Ruvie walked in surrounded by scantily clad women, avoiding the tussle between Kiyome Takada and what appeared to be Scooby Doo over a pile of pancakes. Naomi Misora was giving seductive glances towards Thomas Jefferson who stood alone in a corner.

"Admiring the crack?" A voice asked from behind. Light spun around to face a tired looking Teru Mikami. "It appeared in the town a few weeks ago. The whole place was slashed."

Light Yagami looked around to find that it was true. On one side of the great crack were swarms of women in their undergarments, giggling and planting shy kisses on one another. On the side that Light and Mikami stood, men with rippling muscles were grooving intimately to techno music.

Light felt a strange feeling come over him. The fumes wafting from the crack made his head swim. It was like he could only think about sex; he had to have it right then and there. The overpowering lust threatened to consume him. Mikami looked alarmed.

"Better go around town, clear your head. You don't want to get caught in our troubles." He said, giving Light a shove. Light stumbled backwards and slowly edged away from the town.

Soon his head began to clear and his senses returned. He couldn't help but feel sorry for the people of the little slashed village. But he was so tired. Yet he had to go on.

The nonsensical effects of a crack fic, in fandom land, can lead to a badly slashed story where sex alone is the focus.

Something was amiss in fandom land, Light Yagami now saw. He walked on and on through utter desolation.

He soon found himself walking beside an old set of railroad tracks. He saw no trains in any direction but there were plenty of wrecks.

Boxcars that had been flung off into ditches were inhabited by sad looking victims. He saw countless familiar faces. The entire Yotsuba group seemed to share one little caboose together. But what could be causing this awful character derailment?

Finally he stopped to ask a man squatting in a rotting old dining car, turned on its side with grass sprouting through the boards.

"The king has caused this." Said Hideki Ryuga mournfully. "The king of fandom land has derailed all of the characters."

So Light Yagami vowed to find the king.

He asked at every car he came to where the king was. He asked Aiber and Halle Lidner and Demegawa and Mogi and Lind L. Tailor and Ukita. But none of them knew.

Finally Light asked a girl in a very short skirt who called herself Linda.

"Why he's right over there." She said pointing.

And sure enough Light could see a figure prying up track ahead. Light Yagami walked purposefully over to confront the king.

"I am the Great King Matt, ruler of fandom land. My popularity is in no way proportional to my screen time. Most of my characterization is made up by fans. I reign supreme here." The king introduced himself regally. Light Yagami was disgusted.

So Light did the first thing that came to mind. He gave King Matt a solid blow to the head then tied him securely to the track. The far off whistle of a train came closer and closer. Matt squirmed and pleaded but Light Yagami only smiled.

The train plowed over the man and continued on its long journey. Light Yagami jumped into a car on the back and road along. This train stayed on the rails.

Light Yagami found himself becoming very sleepy and soon was snoring in a comfortable corner of the train car.

When he awoke the train was pulling into a station that Light Yagami recognized. He was home! Light leapt off the train and rejoiced in the less literally minded real world.

Remember the most important rule when traveling in fandom land: stay true to reality.


End file.
